How Negative Feedback Affects Children

We, as humans, are messy. We make mistakes, we learn, and we grow through experiences and support. And sometimes, the feedback we hear leaves a lasting mark. Maybe, as a child, your parents called you “so careless” or said you “can’t be trusted with nice things.” Or perhaps a manager once dismissed your work with a harsh label like “someone who never gets it right.”

Even as adults, feedback like this can create self-doubt, fear of failure, and defensiveness. And without realizing it, we often pass these same patterns on to our children. Now, imagine how much deeper the impact can be on a child, someone whose sense of self is still forming, still fragile, still learning who they are.

What Counts as Negative Feedback?

There will inevitably be times when you need to give your child feedback about something they did wrong, and that’s perfectly normal. Children rely on guidance to understand what’s acceptable, how to correct their mistakes, and how to grow from their experiences. But how you give this feedback makes all the difference.

Let’s say your child accidentally knocks over a glass of water while rushing to set the table. In frustration, you say, “You’re always so careless. Why can’t you do anything properly?”

At first glance, this might seem like an instinctive, harmless reaction. But feedback like this, even if said in the heat of the moment, can be deeply harmful. Here’s why:

• It’s vague. A comment like “You’re always so careless” doesn’t explain what your child did wrong or how they can improve. This leaves them feeling confused and unsure about what to do differently next time.
• It labels the child, not the behavior. By calling them “careless,” you’re defining their identity instead of addressing their action (spilling the water). This makes them feel that they are the problem, not just what they did.
• It makes them feel incapable. When your feedback focuses only on their mistake, with no belief in their ability to improve, your child may begin to feel that they are fundamentally not good enough and never will be.
• By zooming in on this one incident, without acknowledging all the times they’ve set the table correctly or tried their best, your child might feel like none of their efforts matter, no matter how hard they try.

While the example above is one common form of negative feedback, it’s important to recognize that negative or destructive feedback can show up in many different ways — not all of them as obvious as direct criticism. Sometimes, it’s not about what you say but how you say it or even what you choose not to say. Negative feedback can also show up in other ways, some of which are easy to overlook.

Harsh words or Tone

Sarcasm, yelling, or words meant to embarrass can have a lasting impact. For example, saying something like “Wow, genius move — spilling your juice all over the floor again!” might seem like a passing comment, but for a child, it triggers feelings of shame, fear, and inadequacy. They begin to associate mistakes with humiliation, instead of seeing them as opportunities to learn.

Unrealistic Expectations

Sometimes, without realizing it, we expect children to behave like adults — to sit still for long periods, handle frustration calmly, or manage complex emotions on their own. When they fall short, we might say something like “Why can’t you just act your age?”, forgetting that they are acting their age. This type of feedback not only undermines their confidence but can also leave them feeling like they are never good enough, no matter how hard they try.

Comparison to Others

“Why can’t you be more like your sibling?” This is a classic line many of us grew up hearing, and one we might unintentionally repeat. While it might seem like a way to motivate, it often does the opposite. Comparison teaches children that their worth depends on how they measure up to someone else. This can lead to feelings of resentment, jealousy, or even a belief that they are inherently “less than”, creating a fragile sense of self.

Non-verbal Disapproval

A dismissive sigh, rolling your eyes, shaking your head, or walking away without acknowledging their effort can hurt just as much, and sometimes even more than words. Children are highly attuned to non-verbal cues. When they sense disappointment or rejection, they often interpret it as “I am not good enough” or “I’ve let you down”. Over time, these silent signals can make children anxious about seeking attention or validation, fearing they will only be met with disapproval.

Impact of Negative Feedback on Children

Research shows that when children are consistently given negative feedback, it can take a serious toll on their confidence and sense of self-worth. If that feedback comes in the form of harsh criticism or impossible expectations, it can also fuel anxiety and a deep fear of making mistakes. Instead of seeing mistakes as part of learning, these children begin to view them as proof that they are a failure. As a result, they push themselves to meet unrealistic standards just to avoid more criticism.

It doesn’t stop there. Studies also suggest that the effects of repeated negative feedback in childhood don’t just disappear when children grow up. In fact, this kind of feedback can shape who they become as adults. Many people who experienced constant criticism as kids carry that inner voice with them into adulthood. This often leads to chronic self-criticism, anxiety, and even depression. It can also make it harder to form healthy relationships, as they struggle to believe they are worthy of love and respect.

What’s more, research into adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), which includes repeated negative feedback, shows that these experiences can actually change the way the brain functions. These changes can increase the risk of mental health struggles later in life.

Hence, how we give feedback, especially to children, matters more than we realize. Every word we choose, every reaction we have, helps shape the way they see themselves and the world around them.

But the good news is that feedback doesn’t have to break them down. It can build them up if we learn how to give it constructively. In the next blog, we’ll cover exactly that: How to give feedback in a way that teaches, supports, and strengthens your child’s sense of self.

Every Word Shapes Their Self-Worth

The way we respond to mistakes not only teaches children about success and failure, but also shapes how they see themselves and where they fit in the world. Every moment of feedback is a chance to build trust, courage, and resilience.