The Importance of Forgiveness in Healing Relationships

We’ve all been there-hurt, betrayed, or disappointed by someone we care about. Maybe you’ve experienced deep trauma or loss and are holding onto feelings of anger, bitterness, and resentment. It’s natural to feel these things, but sometimes they start to take over. You get stuck in the hurt, and it feels impossible to move on. The truth is, while we might never forget what happened or who caused the pain, forgiveness can help us loosen the emotional grip it has on our lives. It’s not easy, but it’s powerful.
What Forgiveness Is And Isn’t
Forgiveness isn’t about excusing the harm or pretending it didn’t happen. It doesn’t mean making up with the person who hurt you. Instead, forgiveness is:

1. A conscious decision to release feelings of resentment and anger.
2. A way to reclaim your peace and emotional well-being.
3. A step that allows you to focus on moving forward.

Forgiveness is about freeing yourself from the emotional burden that keeps you stuck– regardless of whether the person has asked for it or deserves it.
Decisional vs. Emotional Forgiveness
Decisional forgiveness is a clear, conscious choice to let go-even if difficult emotions remain. It can be especially useful when reconciliation with the other person isn’t possible. Emotional forgiveness, on the other hand, is about gradually releasing the negative emotions tied to the hurt whenever you’re ready. Together, these forms of forgiveness offer a path to more complete healing.
How Grudges Hold Us Back
Human nature is such that we default to keeping score—whether it’s tracking how much we’ve given in a relationship, comparing our achievements to others, or remembering past wrongs. And let’s face it, something like holding grudges can also feel satisfying, as it can give you a sense of power over a situation. But in the long run, they don’t do much good. When you hold a grudge:

1. It keeps you emotionally tied to the past, when what you really need is to move forward.
2. Instead of talking about what went wrong, you bury it—leading to misunderstandings, blocked communication, and avoidance instead of resolution.
3. The resentment can eat away at your peace of mind, which can lead to stress, anxiety, and even depression.

Benefits of Forgiveness
Forgiveness can give you the choice to have healthier relationships and the freedom to live in the present and work toward a better future.
Rebuilding Trust and Relationship Health
Dr. Fred Luskin’s work at Stanford University highlights that forgiveness, when accompanied by sincere apologies and efforts to make amends, helps rebuild trust and improves relational dynamics. By forgiving, we often become more open to discussing difficult issues, which can reduce misunderstandings and increase emotional closeness by creating space for constructive, empathetic conversations, which helps resolve conflicts. Forgiveness can also allow us to acknowledge each other’s positive contributions, helping us find more satisfaction in the relationship.
Mental Well-Being
Multiple studies have shown that forgiveness significantly reduces symptoms of anxiety, depression, and stress. One study found that participants who practiced forgiveness reported improved sleep quality, which in turn is associated with better mental health. By letting go of anger and resentment, we can experience greater peace, self-confidence, and overall mental clarity.
Physical Well-Being
Research also suggests that forgiving others and oneself is linked to better immune function, lower blood pressure, and a reduced risk of heart disease. This connection suggests that forgiveness can also help relieve the physiological stress associated with prolonged anger and resentment.
The Importance of Self-Forgiveness
Forgiving others is tough, but forgiving yourself? That’s often the hardest part. You might replay your mistakes over and over, thinking, “How could I have let that happen?” or “I should have known better.” But self-forgiveness can often be the missing piece in the puzzle of your healing journey. Self-forgiveness proves to be more challenging because it requires us to confront uncomfortable thoughts and emotions about our mistakes. However, forgiving ourselves is essential for restoring our self-trust and rebuilding our self-esteem. Self-forgiveness reminds us that we are not perfect, and we don’t need to be. We are often our own harshest critics, but it is essential to extend ourselves the same grace and compassion that we offer others. By forgiving ourselves, we take responsibility for our role in past events and shift our focus toward personal growth. This practice helps us release the past, boosting our self-worth and motivation as we look toward the future. When you forgive yourself, you’re saying, “I made a mistake, but I’m going to learn from it and move on.” That shift in focus—from beating yourself up to looking toward the future—boosts your self-esteem, motivation, and productivity.
How to Forgive (The REACH Method)
The REACH method, developed by Dr. Everett Worthington, provides a clear, step-by-step approach to practicing forgiveness. Let’s take a look at what each stage involves.
Recall
Objectively recall what happened, focusing on the facts rather than getting caught up in blame or anger. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up, such as sadness, frustration, or hurt, without trying to push them away. Acknowledging your feelings honestly is the first step toward healing.
Empathize
Without minimizing the wrong that was done, try to understand the other person’s perspective. Could their hurtful actions have stemmed from their own struggles or fears? This may help you take the situation not too personally.
Altruistic gift
We all make mistakes, so reflect on a time that you made one and were forgiven. Reflecting on your own experiences with forgiveness allows you to offer it more freely to others and supports your personal healing journey.
Commit
Actively commit to forgiveness. Document your decision, perhaps in a journal or by telling a friend.
Hold
When past triggers arise, consciously choose to maintain your forgiveness. This step is about transforming your reaction, letting go of resentment, and building resilience against old wounds.
True Forgiveness Is About You
It’s not about the other person or if an apology has been offered to you. Letting go of past hurts that are weighing you down will only help you create a better, healthier life for yourself. It’s not easy. It takes work. But in that process, you’ll find peace, growth, and a deeper connection with yourself and those around you.